Midnight Thoughts

As we get closer to August, and we’re planning birthdays, celebrating our family, and celebrating Lennyn’s journey, each day that gets us closer to the 26th is a strong reminder of not just how far we’ve come, but what brought us here to begin with.

For the first time in a while I just told Lennyn’s story in depth, to a stranger no less. It took me right back. She doesn’t know me. I don’t know her. It felt good to just spill it all out. Release if you will.

There is a lot to her story that we haven’t told. Time and place but it will come out eventually- when the time is right. Only a handful of people know the whole story, but to tell it from start to finish without withholding information – my GOD do the emotions start flowing.

It took me RIGHT back to feeling so bad for her, feeling bad for what she’s endured. To think about how she’s so sweet and she didn’t ask for any of this. Dwelling. Dwelling. Dwelling.

I stop myself, get annoyed with myself, and remind myself that we only focus on the positive. Just like we have been- we focus on the now. I know better.

It took me so long to get over those feelings of sadness, despair, and defeat. I would just dwell over what has happened to her and what her future would look like now. That’s not conducive to anything. Going that deep into her journey made be angry again after that sadness subsided. It lit a fire again that changed me for the better a year ago.

We celebrate small wins and baby steps. We know how fast things can change. What happened and what ifs are not in our vocabulary. We live for today. We have no choice to live any other way.

Is it awful what has happened to her and what she has faced? Absolutely. But you know what is so much more powerful than that, her right now.

She’s the strongest human on the planet that I have ever had the privilege of knowing. Resilience is an understatement. She’s not even supposed to be who she is, as capable as she is. She is full of sass (no idea where that came from) and love. You can see so much just by looking into her eyes. She’s so animated. Shes so full of life and fight and it’s truly awe inspiring.

And pardon my damn French but fuck milestones. Fuck every parent book, Motherhood magazine, and email drilling milestones in your head. “If your baby isn’t doing these things please consult a doctor”. Like there is something wrong with babies who aren’t following your roadmap to development. Fuck walking! Fuck crawling! We will get there, with or without assistance when we decide to get there.

In the meantime, that just means even more cuddle time. More holds. More her grabbing my cheeks and pulling my face in for the sloppiest kisses. Although she’s heavy, there’s no place I’d rather her be than in my arms. Our arms will be just as strong as she needs them to be- as they have always been.

So what am I trying to say in all of this? What do I want you take from this vent session?

You cant change what has been done to you. All that has been done to you and all you have endured, does not dictate your abilities and your future. You are worth so much more than that. Let go of the small shit. Tell your Momma you love her. Tell everyone you love that you love them. You don’t have to like everyone but you should still be able to see the good in everyone. Life is short. There are far more pressing issues to focus on than drama. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Believe Karma will respectively pay people what they have coming. Each day you have another opportunity to make the day better than yesterday. Utilize that ability, that privilege. You can’t change what has happened, but you can definitely change what happens next.


Photo Credit: Julissa Mariana Photography


Tell her Lennyn sent you. She’s amazing and she captured something really special.

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